


The Sand and the Sea

by clearascountryair



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: 8100 words of unbearable angst with just enough found family love to make it okay, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Female Friendship, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Love, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 14:47:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11739261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clearascountryair/pseuds/clearascountryair
Summary: After their exile to space, the government sends the SHIELD team on a short vacation.  But not everyone can take a vacation from their past.





	The Sand and the Sea

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, @agentcalliope, for being the best beta ever and also stroking my ego

 

My God, My God  
  
May these things never end:  
The sand and the sea  
  
The rustle of the water  
The lightning of the sky  
  
The prayer of man.

| 

אלי, אלי  
  
:שלא יגמר לעולם   
החול והים  
  
רשרוש של המים  
ברק השמיים  
  
.תפילת האדם  
  
---|---  
  
 - Hannah Szenes, 1921-1944

* * *

 

Without speaking, all of them agreed that there was something almost childish about the way the five of them stood huddled together in the hangar that wasn’t their own and realized just how off their gravity had been for the last eighteen months.  Their return had been unexpected and they could see the sun, the Earth’s sun, just beginning to rise through the window.  Aside from Jemma’s soft “Oh” at the pale light, no one spoke.  Across the hangar, May and Coulson were speaking to a kind faced older man in a sharp suit who kept throwing sympathetic looks their way.  Saying words the rest couldn’t hear, he handed Coulson an envelope and left.  Coulson turned to May and she laughed.

“Space does weird shit to people,” Daisy said.

Jemma raised her eyebrow.  “I turned out okay.”

Mack laughed, causing Elena to whine (she only half stood, propped up against his shoulder with her eyes fluttering shut despite her best efforts).  

“You’re not sleeping anyway,” Mack told her, before turning his attention back to Jemma.  “I think those were different circumstances.”

“Yeah,” Fitz added.  “Just slightly.”

Another day, they might have all laughed.  But all anyone could think of was their own exhaustion.  They returned to silence and watched as May and Coulson began walking towards them.  Coulson waved the envelope at them and May jingle a set of car keys in her hand.

“Grab your things.”

“Where are we going?”

Coulson smiled at Daisy.  “A government apology,” he said simply, and gestured for his team to collect their bags and follow May to the waiting van.

Jemma looked down, smiling softly as Fitz took her hand.

“Which way are we driving?” he asked.

Coulson took a piece of paper out of the envelope and glanced over it.  “South.”

Squeezing her hand, Fitz pulled Jemma towards the van, ushering her into the far back and into the seat against the driver’s side window.  

“Are you ready?”

She cocked her head as he sat down in the middle seat, leaning into her as Daisy climbed in to sit on his other side.  “To be in a car on Earth?”

Fitz smiled.  “That too.  But the sun’s rising.”

Jemma’s mouth opened slightly as she stared at Fitz, her lips struggling to form words.  More than anything, she wanted to kiss him, to hold him, and to celebrate the fact that they were finally home.  But Elena had sat in the seat in front of her, and Mack in front of Daisy, and Coulson and May in the front and there was nothing Jemma could do but stare.

“I know you’re trying to save us all the trauma of watching you two kiss, but honestly, that face is beyond pornographic.”

May started the car.  “Why don’t we just drive in silence for a while?  Daisy?  Fitzsimmons?”

“Why don’t we get a warning?” Elena murmured sleepily.

“Because you’re actual adults.”

Daisy scoffed and stretched out one of her legs to rest on Mack’s armrest.  Mack sighed and elbowed her ankle.

Flushing, Jemma finally shut her mouth and turned to rest her cheek on the window, still holding Fitz’s hand.

“Love you,” he whispered against her ear before resting his head on her shoulder.

Not trusting herself to speak, Jemma turned to kiss the top of his head and turned her attention back to the window as hangar doors opened and the early morning light.  She let out a small gasp as they pulled out of wherever that had been taken upon their arrival and turned onto the highway.  The sun was rising over the horizon and she couldn’t bother to be ashamed of the tears welling in her eyes.  She let both hers and Fitz’s hand fall into his lap and could feel him smiling through soft breaths against her skin.  As the car wove its south, she felt his breaths grow soft against her skin and his snores joined in with Daisy and Coulson’s and she wondered if she and May were the only one’s left awake.

It was a rather peaceful thought.

There was a soft hum as May opened the windows and let the fresh air rush into the van carrying infinity and the violently gentle crash of the sea.  Jemma inhaled sharply through her nose.  The salt burned.  The rounded a bend and the world exploded in blue and gold.

-

_Nothing in her life could compare to the burn of her eyes and nose and mouth and lungs and—she should hate herself for thinking it—soul.  She has her fingers curled around the stiff fabric of his collar and she silently damns them both.  It hadn’t occurred to her before how much their jeans and sweaters would weigh when wet._

_It’s an utterly foolish thought and an incomparably foolish time._

_But it’s the only thing she can think as she frantically kicks her legs and brings her free hand over her head and back down to her side again and again and again._

_And again and again._

_And again._

_He may die because she doesn’t have the strength for the extra pounds of their sodden clothes._

_She risks a glance down at him and tells herself he’s fine.  He can’t always handle the pain she can.  He has to keep the salt out of his eyes._

_Still she silently wills him to open them.  She wants to shout it and scream and shake him, but that will only kill them both._

Yeah, but you’re more than that, Jemma.

_She knows he’s okay, she knows it.  She knows it because Fitz is good and kind and noble and the best that there was and ever will be and he will not be so cruel as to force her to live a life of knowing they could have been happy and normal and so much more, but having that knowledge be no more than a memory._

_No.  She won’t let him do that to her._

_But she’s kicking and kicking and not letting herself scream and his eyes are still shut and the surface only seems to get further and further away and they tried, they tried so hard but it wasn’t enough and she can’t breathe, she can’t breathe, she can’t and her gave her that breath and it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t enough and she wasn’t enough, wasn’t and would never be, would never get a happily ever after and hate herself for being so childishly naive and letting him die and_ open your eyes, open your eyes, open them, _and she can taste iron but knows if she doesn’t bite her lip she will open her mouth and he will die, he will die and be dead and not love her because he loves her because they are going to be in love if only the water will break.  But everything hurts and it’s all her fault and she just wants to die because she has there’s really no more living, there can’t be because_ OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES _._

 -

_“_ Jemma?”

She opened her mouth and commanded herself to breath, but she couldn’t find the air.  Someone squeezed her knee and, after blinking several times, she noticed Elena looking back over the headrest, her arm stuck through between the seat and door.

Jemma lips silently formed Fitz’s name.  His breath tickled her neck and, finally listened, her body let out a violently choked gasp.

“Jemma?” Elena repeated in a soft voice.

There was a soft hum as the windows went up.

“Simmons?”

Jemma met May’s gaze in the rearview mirror.

“Are you okay?”

She nodded.  “I’m fine.”  She glanced briefly at Fitz, fast asleep and breathing heavily against her neck, before looking back at Elena.  “I’m fine,” she said.  “I’m sorry, did I kick your seat?”

Elena stared at her for a moment and squeezed her knee again.  “Don’t worry.  You’re fine,”  she said and turned back to face forward.

Jemma turned slightly to watch Fitz, absentmindedly running her finger over his hand and telling herself that they were home, they were on Earth, they were safe.  She didn’t look way until the car stopped and May and Coulson ushered them into a hotel lobby.

“I’m sorry,” Coulson said, handing Mack a room key from the envelope.  “They were apparently set on here, regardless of how many rooms were actually available.  Mack and Fitz, you’re in 206.  Daisy, Elena, Simmons—208.”

Daisy yawned loudly.  “What about you two?”

Coulson placed a hand on her shoulder.  “Go to sleep.  We’ll talk in the morning.”

“But if we’ve got four rooms, I can share with May.  It’s probably sexist to put all us girls together.”

Elena let out a sleepy laugh and put an arm around Daisy’s shoulders.  “I think I’ll just sleep at the first bed I see.”

Jemma smiled at Fitz.  “I guess this is our chance to prove we’re not embarrassingly codependent.”

Fitz smiled as he kissed her cheek.  “I’ll do my best.  S’long as Mack promises to ignore it if I cry myself to sleep.”

Mack snorted.  “I’ll record it.”  He smiled at Jemma.  “If it’s two beds and you want any blankets at all, share with Daisy.”

Elena rolled her eyes.  “Goodnight.”  She let Mack give her a brief kiss before.

Wordlessly, Mack, Fitz, Elena, Daisy, and Jemma made their way up to the second floor, bidding each other a final goodnight.  Jemma wrapped her arms around Fitz’s neck.  

“Knock three times if you can’t sleep,” she said, only half joking.  

Fitz stroked her hair back out of her face.  “I feel like that won’t be a problem tonight.”

Jemma smiled before following Daisy and Elena into their room.  Two full beds were pushed up against the north wall, with a large window facing east.  Daisy bumped Jemma with her hip.

“You better be ready to snuggle.  But, like, don’t go thinking I’m Fitz in your sleep.”

Jemma rolled her eyes.  “I think I’ll manage,” she laughed, turning to Elena.  “But if I have to deal with Daisy’s kicking, I get dibs on showering first.”

“Fair.”

Jemma grinned.

* * *

Despite the lack of Fitz’s presence, Jemma couldn’t remember the last time she slept so soundly.  She woke up curled on the edge of the bed, Daisy sprawled out over the rest of it.  Gently as she could, Jemma crawled up the bed to press her ear against the wall.

“If you knock again,” came Mack’s muffled voice, “I’ll lock you in the hall.”

Grinning, Jemma tapped the wall three times and darted into the hallway, just barely remembering to grab a key on her way out.  She stood in the hotel hall, wearing only a tank top and his boxers.  A moment later, Fitz emerged in sweatpants and a t-shirt.  He wrapped his arms around her.

“Best first couple’s vacation ever,” he murmured into her hair.  “I love sharing a bed with my best mate instead of my girlfriend.”

Jemma smiled.  “From what I hear, Mack’s a great bedfellow.”

Fitz stepped back, holding Jemma at an arm’s length.  “Please don’t ever say that again.”

She laughed.  “Why don’t you get dressed and we’ll have some breakfast?  I saw a pancake bar listed on the brochure.”

Fitz groaned and pulled Jemma to him.  “God, that is the sexiest thing you’ve ever said.”

Quickly, they went into their respective rooms and changed for the day.  The government had provided them with some necessities (and maybe a _little_ more than that, Jemma thought, pulling on a loose fitting black sundress), but she was sure Daisy would insist on them going shopping that afternoon.  She wouldn’t mind.  Honestly, she deserved a paid for by the government shopping spree at this point.  She said as much to Fitz over their pancakes and they fell into a deep discussion about all that they could do now that they were back.  They kept it light-hearted.  They knew a cake could be a wedding cake and creating something magnificent could be a new lab or a child, they didn’t need to remind themselves where they would be if they hadn’t lost the last eighteen months.  He had laughed when she said she wanted a fried egg and she had rolled her eyes when he inevitably mentioned going to the zoo (“Or one of those chimp sanctuaries—in Louisiana or Florida even, we wouldn’t have to travel far”).   They must have been there for hours, talking about so much more than either would let on, when Daisy came dashing into the hotel’s buffet.

“C’mon!” she said, without further explanation, grabbing Fitz’s arm.  “We’ve been looking for you for _hours_.”

Jemma rolled her eyes.  “Bullshit.  It’s Fitz—food is the first place you look.  Anyway, we’ve got to pay.”

Rolling her eyes, Daisy glance toward the waiter.  “They’re room 208, okay?”  And dragging a helpless looking Fitz, Daisy made her way outside.

Smiling, Jemma followed her, laughing at Fitz’s escape when Daisy stopped to take off her shoes before stepping onto the sand.  Making his way back as Daisy continued towards the water, he wrapped his arm around Jemma.

“I’m here, okay?” he murmured, pressing a quick kiss to her forehead.  

She leaned against him.  “Me too.  I love you.”  

She bent over to take off her own shoes and, straightening back up, let out a surprised shriek as Fitz scooped her up.  She wrapped her arms around his neck and fixed him with a stern glare.

“The sand’s really hot,” he explained.

Jemma said nothing, simply focusing on Fitz as he made his way across the beach.  The breaking of the waves grew louder and she unthinkingly pressed a kiss to his jaw.  

“You’re cute.”

“I know,” she said.  Through the thin fabric of their clothes, she could practically hear his heartbeat and felt at ease.  “I’ve never been to the beach without you, you know?”

Fitz shook his head.  “How a family could go on holiday as often as yours without ever going to the beach baffles me.”

“It was worth it.”

Fitz nodded and shifted his grip on her.  They had accidentally stayed up half the night talking the evening before they graduated the academy and, somehow, it had come out that Jemma had never been to the beach.  At three in the morning, they had gotten into Fitz’s car with a cheap bottle of wine and, at Jemma’s insistence, copies of their speech for the ceremony, and had driven the ninety minutes to the beach.

“West coast might be nice,” Fitz had said.  “Definitely easier to stay awake for sunset.”

Jemma had shrugged.  “Sunrise is worth it though.  Everything’s fresh and new.”

And now, as she was held snug against his body, contemplating how long it would be before they got some real privacy, she had to admit that it was the cheesiest, most cliche moment of her life.  She smiled to herself and wondered just how much she had loved him then.  

“Fitz,” came May’s warning voice suddenly.  “If you get sand on me, I will make you regret it.”

Fitz said nothing, only laughing quietly as he gently set Jemma down on a beach towel next to May.

“You look refreshed,” May said, looking at Jemma out of the corner of her eye.

“It’s amazing what your own planet’s atmosphere can do for you.”

May snorted and Jemma followed her gaze to where Daisy was shrieking in shallow waters, water splashing at her from all directions as Mack doubled over in laughter a few feet away and Elena stood seemingly innocently beside him.  A moment later, Daisy reached her hand under the water and Mack’s face stilled in the half second before a large wave shot up out of nowhere and came crashing down on his and Elena’s heads.  Fitz let out a bark of laughter, but May scowled.

“I swear to god, if she causes a tsunami in our first twenty-four hours back on Earth…”

Fitz sat down in the sand next to Jemma.  “Elena could probably get _most_ of us out of here on time.”

Jemma cocked her head.  “What about the rest of us?”

Fitz shrugged.  “Well, _I’d_ be fine because, you know, once you drown once, you can’t drown again.”  He smiled, clearly pleased with his own joke, but Jemma just stared at him.

“That’s not how it works,” she said sharply.

Fitz immediately ran his fingers up her arm.  “No, no, I know.  It’s just…you’re tense.”

“No, I’m not.”

Behind her, May let out an audible snort.

“I’m fine,” Jemma said adamantly.  “And, even if I wasn’t fine, you joking about drowning probably isn’t going to help.”

Fitz nodded and wrapped his arm around her, kissing the top of her head.  “I wish I could make you feel safe,” he whispered, barely loud enough for her to hear.

“You do.”  

They sat like that for several minutes, watching as Daisy and Elena continued their water war, laughing audibly when Elena disappeared long enough to get Daisy to turn her back on Mack, who immediately picked her, flipped her over his shoulder, and dumped her into the water.  Fitz sighed and Jemma smiled at him.

“You want to go help Daisy ambush Mack, don’t you?”

Fitz gave her a bashful smile.  “Maybe just a wee bit.”

“I’m not in a bathing suit.”

“I don’t mind.”

“I do.”

Jemma turned and smiled at May, who stopped staring at the three in the ocean to make sure that Fitz knew, in no uncertain terms, that Jemma’s dress was staying on.  “Go ahead,” Jemma said.  “I’ll stay with May.”

Kissing her cheek, Fitz stood up and took off his shirt and handed it to Jemma.

“If you burn,” she said, “don’t come crying to me.”

She heard Fitz mutter something that sounded suspiciously like “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” as he made his way to the others.  Noticing Fitz, Daisy made her way deeper in the water, forcing Mack and Elena to turn their backs on the shore, oblivious to Daisy’s call for backup.

“I can’t remember the last time I saw him so carefree,” May said quietly.  “Same with Daisy.”

“And me?”  Jemma couldn’t help but ask.

May let out a sad sigh.  “There’s just about nothing I wouldn’t do to see you all just be happy and carefree.  But I think if you ever truly were, Jemma, I would just have all the more reason to be worried.”

“That’s terribly sad, isn’t it?”

May turned to face her, lifting up her sunglasses.  “I worry about you all the time.  All of you.  But I’m not worried about you.  Does that make sense?”

“Not really.”

May laughed.  “I don’t think there’s anything you can’t handle, Jemma.  I just wish I didn’t have as much proof as I do.”  She pulled her sunglasses back down and looked towards the water.

Recognizing that May had said her piece, Jemma turned back to watch as attempted to tackle Mack from behind.

He knew Daisy had seen him, but as far as he could tell, Mack and Elena thought he was still on the beach with Jemma and May.  Sure, Mack had some thirty-something pounds of pure muscle on him, but Fitz was sure that there are some benefits to his lankiness.  He caught Daisy’s eye and nodded.  Immediately, Daisy began screaming and splashing and, under the cover of her loudness, Fitz ran at them, jumping on to Mack’s back.

“Fuck you, Fitz,” Mack muttered before reaching back to grab Fitz’s arms and flopped forward, pulling Fitz into the water with him.  

Sputtering, Fitz released Mack and turned to Daisy.  “Aren’t you supposed to be a superhero or something?”

Daisy gasped in mock offense and sent a wave at a still struggling to get back up Mack.  “I try.”

“Hey!  Don’t kick him while he’s down!”

Daisy grinned at Elena.  “All’s fair in lo—”

She didn’t get to finish her sentence, falling backwards into the water seemingly of her own accord.  Elena stood with her arms crossed a few feet away and raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t mess with me, Fitz,” she said warningly.

Daisy stood back up, shaking out her hair and glanced behind Fitz.  “Oh, no.”

Fitz didn’t even have time to turn around before Mack grabbed him by the knees and flipped him into water.  The bastard.  He held his breath under the water, determined to win the upper hand.  Suddenly, someone reached down into the water and grabbed his wrist.

“Hey!  No fraternizing with the enemy!” Mack yelled as Elena pulled Fitz up.

“No, time out!”  Elena gestured with her head to the shore.

Coulson had finally appeared with a tray of drinks, but they laid spilled in the sand beside him as he squatted down in front of Jemma.  May sat behind her, stroking her arm as Coulson spoke to her.  But Jemma wasn’t responding, she was staring past Coulson, not at where Fitz stood in the water, but through him.  Even from a distance, he could see her shake, her lips slightly parted as though she had forgotten to breathe.

“Jemma!”

It felt like forever, running through the water and back onto the beach, skidding to a stop in the sand and falling to his knees.  He cupped her face in his hands.

“Jemma, Jemma, hey, it’s okay.  I’m here, Jemma, I’m right here.”

She choked, bringing her hand’s up to cover his own.  “Fitz?”

He nodded.  “I’m here.  It’s okay, Jemma, I’m here.”  He knew later she’d be annoyed that he was soaking wet, but he pulled her to him anyway, wrapping his arms around her and rocking her back and forth.  Later, he would remember that May never took her hand off the back of Jemma’s arm, but in the moment, he was oblivious.

He could tell from the way she was breathing against him how hard it was for her to prevent herself from crying.  He wished he could tell her it was alright.  But he knew she wouldn’t listen anyway.  For several minutes, he wordlessly rocked her back and forth until her breathing steadied and she pulled away to look at him.  

“I’m sorry,” she said softly.  “I don’t know what came over me.”

He could feel the knowing look May and Coulson exchanged over their heads.

“It’s fine,” he told her.  “You’re fine.”

After some time, he watched May retract her arm and used it to scratch her other arm, still looking at Coulson.  He cleared his throat.

“I was going to go for a walk,” he said.  “Anyone want to join?”

May scoffed.  “Take Simmons.  No one wants to deal with you getting poison ivy…again.”

Jemma looked at Coulson.  “You can’t recognize poison ivy?” she gasped.

Coulson stood and held down his hand.  “Help an old man out?”

Jemma took his hand and let him pull her up.  “I’ll see you later,” she said to Fitz.

“Of course.”  He watched as they walked up the beach towards the little path in the woods and side.  A few drops of water dripped down on him and he looked up to see Daisy standing above him, looking from the spilt drinks to where Jemma and Coulson had disappeared.

“And to think,” she said, “I was just getting used to not being the neglected daughter.”

To Fitz’s surprise, May leaned over him, grabbed a handful of spilt ice, and threw it at Daisy.  “Don’t be a bitch.  It doesn’t suit you.”

“Sorry.”  Daisy sat down on the towel next to Fitz.

Fitz watch as Mack and Elena spread out another towel to sit with them and looked at him with mild curiosity.

“I don’t get it,” Fitz said at last, to no one in particular.  “Why her?”

Mack cocked his head to the side.  “What do you mean?”

Fitz nodded toward the ocean.  “I look at there and I feel…nothing.  She feels _everything_ and I don’t feel a goddamn thing.”

“Ask Elena.”

Everyone turned to face May.

“Why?” Fitz ask and then, glancing at Elena, added, “No offense.”

She shrugged.  “No, really, why?”

May turned to face them fully.  “Daisy and I were there, so you won’t trust a damn thing we say.  And you’ll never trust Daisy because she’s protecting you and you’ll never trust me because you think I’m protecting Jemma.  And Mack came in right afterwards, while you were still recovering.  Even though you both know he knows the truth now, you don’t trust him to figure it out in the same way you don’t trust yourself.  Elena’s a clean slate.  What do you know about Grant Ward and the time he tried to kill Fitzsimmons?”

Elena shook her head.  “Just that he did.”

Fitz swallowed and looked back and forth between Elena and May.  “We don’t need to tell the whole story now.”

May shook her head.  “No, we don’t.  But she only needs the abbreviated version.”

Fitz dropped his head, unable to look at anyone, as May began the story.

“He dropped them out of my plane in a storage pod.  They were ninety plus feet below the surface.  They managed to construct…I don’t know, something to blow out the window and give enough oxygen to get one of them to the surface.  He didn’t give Simmons a choice.  He was willing to die if it meant she could live, she was willing to die if it meant they could live together.  That shouldn’t surprise you.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Elena shake her head.

“Fitz,” May continued.  “What’s the first thing you remember after hitting that button?”

He looked at her and tilted his head slightly.  “Jemma,” he said after a moment.  “You, technically.  You were saying her name.  Yelling at her, I think.”

“I remember that,” Daisy said softly.

May nodded.  “Elena,” she said, “tell Fitz the obvious answer to his question.”

“You don’t remember being in the water,” she said simply.

“She was treading water and holding you when Fury found her.”  May gave him a look that, if Fitz hadn’t known better, he would have called affectionate.  “You went comatose before you ever realized you were in the water.  She was sedated on the helicopter.”

Daisy squeezed his hand.  “You don’t remember much from then, do you?  Between when you woke up and when she left.”

Fitz shook his head.

“She could barely shower—every time her hair got wet, especially if it was loose, not pulled back, it was like she was there again.”

Fitz surprised himself by letting out a spiteful laugh.  “I told her I hated her haircut.  I talked about it for _months_.  Bitched to you and Hunter about it.”

Mack shrugged.  “Yeah, you did.  But you didn’t know.  None of us did.”

He shook his head.  “I shouldn’t have gone in the water.”

“It wouldn’t matter.”

He turned to face Elena, confused.  “Of course, it would.”

But Elena shook her head adamantly.  “She’s been upset since we got on the highway.  You all fell asleep in the car, but she was so…scared, I guess.  I just didn’t know why.”

Fitz started to stand.  “I should go talk to her,” he said, but May reached up and grabbed his wrist.

“Let her be,” she said quietly.  “Coulson can take care of her.  You should know by now, Fitz, that the best way to help Jemma cope with anything is to make sure she has no idea that anything’s wrong.  She likes taking care of people too much to let anyone, even you, take care of her.”

He sat back down and sighed.  May was right, of course, but he wished she wasn’t.

“Coulson knows what poison ivy looks like, doesn’t he?”

“What do you think?”

Fitz sighed.

It made sense, everything May had said, everything Elena had said.  A small part of him hated himself for not having realized it sooner.  It was too painfully what he expected of her, trying to boldly force herself out of her own fears, lest anyone know they haunted her.  He wondered briefly if that was why she had been so adamant to visit the Seychelles and yet so unbothered when they realized it was all just a fantasy.  He thought of her tendency to cling to him in the shower.  For so long, had had assumed that was for his own benefit, a reassurance of her love for him.  It had never occurred to him that something she did so frequently as showering required reassurance that he was alive.

He shut his eyes as Daisy leaned against him.  One day, they’d talk about it.  One day, he’d be the same person for Jemma she was for him.  They would sit and he would hold her and they would work through their problems together like they always did.

“New rule,” Daisy said, leaning against the side of the elevator.  “When the government pays for our vacations, they have to babysit all of our trauma, too.”

Elena laughed.  “That would be nice.  They just need, what, at least a dozen people to spread it over?”

“There’s only seven of us.”

“Yeah, exactly.  Maybe a dozen each.”

“Yikes,” Daisy muttered.  “Oh!  Don’t mention Fitz’s sunburn to Jemma.”

“Shouldn’t we give her time to calm down before she sees him?”

“Ha! No, she’ll just let it boil up.  Plus it’ll be super entertaining for me.”

“You’re so cruel.”

The elevator _dinged_ on their floor and they made their way quietly back to their room.  The room was empty when they walked in, but the bathroom door was shut and they could hear the water running from the other side.  Immediately, Daisy went over and banged her fist on the door.

“You’ve got four minutes, Simmons, before I kick you out.”  Then she walked over to the mini-fridge.

“Are you sure she’s okay?” Elena asked.  “After today?”

She was only a little surprised when Daisy gave her a sad look and shook her head.  “Not even close.  So I’ll go check on her in four minutes.  She should be able to calm down by then.  I think.  I don’t know.  It’s been a couple of years.  And she showers with Fitz now.  Like, all the time.”

Elena couldn’t help but smile at that.  “For refusing to acknowledge how fucked up they are, they do a pretty good job of taking care of each other.”

Daisy grinned, opening a pack of skittles.  “They tried so hard to not be into each other.”

Elena sat down in the armchair and held up her hand, easily catching the orange skittle Daisy threw at her.  “What do you mean?”

“Shit, Yo-yo,”  Daisy laughed.  “One day, we’re gonna get, like, six bottles of wine, Jemma’s gonna bake us cookies, and I’m going to duct tape her mouth shut so I can tell you the whole Fitzsimmons story.”

“Hasn’t she been kidnapped at _least_ one too many times to have her mouth duct taped shut?”

“Fuck, good point.  Alright, we’ll do the short version, then.  How long did you think they’d been together when you met them?”

Elena shrugged.  “A few years maybe?”

Daisy nodded.  “That makes sense--you seemed so confused that they had only just moved in together.”

“Maybe they were on and off.  Like Bobbi and Hunter.”

“L-O-L that would have been great.  No, I think they had maybe kissed once at that point?  I think.  Jemma got drunk and tried to tell me about it one night.  But they got together while, um, while I was with Hive, I guess.”

“ _What_?”

“Yeah, twelve years of mutual pining.  Honestly, they deserve an award.  You should conduct an interview honestly.  S.H.I.E.L.D.’s experience with Fitzsimmons.  Although we all only got the last two years.  None of us knew the the first ten.  I want to know what Mack thinks.”

Elena nodded.  “What did May mean?  That Fitz wouldn’t trust Mack on this.”

Daisy exhaled slowly and threw Elena a couple more skittles.  “Um, well, when Fitz woke up, he could barely talk.  And it took him a really long time to get back to how he used to be.  He still stutters or can’t find the right word when he’s stressed.  His hand, too--you ever notice how the left one twitches?  He took it hard and really hated himself for it.  And, well, you’ve seen how overly optimistic Jemma can be when she’s scared.  After about two months, she left.  She went to work undercover, but Fitz and I didn’t know that.  I’d been paying attention, I wasn’t too surprised she needed to get away.  But Fitz thought that she hated him as much as he hated himself.  Add that to the love confession--”

“What?”

“Yeah, that’s why he gave her the oxygen.  ‘You’re my best friend, you can’t die for me’ doesn’t quite live up to ‘I’m in love with you and can’t let you die.’ So he thought she didn’t love him and that’s why she left.  Mack didn’t join us until after that.  So for the first few months he was here, she was just like this, I don’t know, mythical thing that left because her best friend developed feelings for her.”

“Is that why she left?”

Daisy shook her head.  “No.  She just…Fitz really wanted to be better for her.  And I think she thought it was too much stress to have her here when all he wanted to do was impress her.  She thought he’d get better if she wasn’t around.  But, of course, she would never say that.  So she and Mack and Hunter got off to a pretty rough start because she was the girl who broke Fitz’s heart.”  Daisy smiled sadly and finished off the skittles.  “I think that’s why she likes you so much.  And why she was so close with Lincoln.  She never had to worry that you saw her like that.”

“Shit.”  Elena stood up suddenly.  “It’s been ten minutes.”

Daisy ran to the bathroom door.  “Jem?”

She pushed the door open and immediately wanted to cry.

Jemma was standing under the shower spray, furiously scrubbing as her hair, her whole body practically convulsing in quiet sobs.  For a moment, Daisy watched helplessly as Jemma grabbed the shampoo bottle and added more to the lather in her hair.

“Jemma?”

Jemma said nothing, continuing to hysterically scrub her hair.  Slowly, Daisy grabbed a towel from the rack and stepped towards the shower, motioning for Elena to stay put in the doorway.  She took a deep breath.  It had been so long since she had seen Jemma liked this.  Although she felt guilty for thinking it, Daisy felt helpless.  There had been nothing she could do back then.  It was part of her morning routine, making sure she was in the bathroom when Jemma showered, sometimes calling in May for backup.  And then, one day, Jemma was gone.  She came back still suffering, but only in silence.  She blinked a frustrated tear out of her eye.

“Jem, I’m gonna turn off the water now, okay?”  Daisy reached forward and switched the water off.

“No!” Jemma reached back for the knob but Daisy took her wrist with one hand and used the other to drape the towel over Jemma’s shoulders.

“It’s okay, Jemma,” she said, struggling to keep her voice calm.  “I’ll rinse your hair in the sink.”

Jemma shook her head, her hand still hovering over the shower knob.  “No, no, no, I have to get it out.  I have to get it _out_.”

“Jemma…”

“No!” Jemma let out a shriek and pulled away from Daisy, slipping on the floor of the shower.  Something brushed against Daisy’s side and she watched as Jemma’s fall was broken by something she couldn’t see.  She dropped down to her knees.  She remembered those few weeks between arriving at the Playground and Jemma leaving.  She remembered vividly how sad and scared and gone Jemma was.  She was not going to let her go back there.

“Jemma, you need to breathe.  You’re going to hurt yourself.”

Jemma continued to shake her head.  Unable to stop herself, tears already springing into her eyes, Daisy surged forward and grabbed Jemma’s arms.

“Jemma, I swear to god, I will get May and she will cut off your hair again.  You have to be okay.  You have to _stop it_!”

“Daisy.”  Elena set a calming hand on her arm and Daisy burst into tears as she knelt beside her, reaching out for Jemma with her other hand.  “It’s okay.  Hey--hey, Jemma, look at me, okay?”  Slowly, she sat down and inched towards Jemma, pulling the towel up over her shoulders.

“We’re going to get another towel, okay?  And we’re going to wrap up your hair.  Will that help?”

To Daisy’s relief, Jemma shook her head.  At this point, any response would do.

“It smells,” she whispered, so softly that Daisy and Elena could barely hear her.

“Your hair?”

Jemma nodded.

“Yeah,”  Elena reached forward and brushed Jemma’s hair  back behind her ear.  “Yeah, the ocean’s so hard to get rid of the smell.  But I think once we rinse it out, it should be okay.  It’s all in your nose now.  We’ll just get you something different to smell, okay?”

Jemma nodded and wrapped the towel more tightly around herself as she continued to try to catch her breath.  She rocked slowly back and forth, looking blankly at the space between Daisy and Elena, not even blinking when someone pounded on the door.  Daisy squeezed her foot.  

“I’ll be right back,” she said.  She wrapped her arms around Jemma.  “I love you, I’m sorry.”  And, standing up, she quickly went to the door.  She was greeted by a shirtless, wide-eyed Fitz, still dripping wet from his own shower, his jeans not even buttoned over his boxers.  A voice in the back of her head contemplated asking if this was a booty call, but she said nothing.

“What wrong?” Fitz asked, sounding panicked.  “I heard...I thought I heard…”

Without preamble, Daisy threw her arms around his neck.  Fitz only hesitated for a moment before wrapping his arms around Daisy’s waist.

“It’ll be okay,” Daisy said quietly.  “I might break my own third-wheel record with Mack and Yo-Yo so Jemma can sleep with you tonight.”

Fitz pulled back for a moment to look at her.  “That doesn’t sound okay, Daisy.”

“I promise, Fitz.  She’s fine.”  It may have been a bit of a white lie, but she knew she could handle this.  Fitz didn’t need to see her like that.  Jemma didn’t need for her to see him.  

“I heard someone screaming.”

Daisy swallowed.  “That was my fault,” she said quietly.  “I was scared.”

Fitz took a shaky breath.  “Can I come in?”

Daisy bit her lip.  “Why don’t you finish getting dressed and order room service or something?  I’ll get tell Jemma to get dressed or in her pajamas or something and send her over.”

Fitz shook his head.  “But Mack…”

“Dude, didn’t I just say I will third-wheel the shit out of Mack and Yo-yo?  It’ll be that awkward college experience I never got to have.”

Although he looked nervous, Fitz nodded.  “Keep her safe.  Please.”

“Ha!  You know she doesn’t need me.”

Fitz shrugged.  “She thinks she doesn’t.  But that’s why she does.  I’ll go talk to Mack.”

With a final craning of his neck to attempt to see over Daisy’s shoulder, Fitz went back into his and Mack’s room.  With a heavy sigh, Daisy returned to the bathroom.

Jemma was leaning over the sink, Elena carefully helping her rinse out the last of the shampoo.  She leaned against the door and watched Jemma’s head shift slightly at her entrance.

“Was that Fitz?”

“Yeah, he was wondering if you just wanted to stay in and get room service.”

Jemma swallowed audibly.  “No, he wasn’t.  I feel like such a child.”

“Jem…” Daisy walked over and put her hand on Jemma’s back, resting her head on Elena’s shoulder.  “You’re letting us help you wash your hair.  It’s a _way_ better reaction to our shitty lives than, say, running away and making Elena steal medicine for you.”

“That was different.”

“Not really.  Look, I know I’m still relatively new to the whole having friends thing, but I think this is what you’re supposed to do.  You know you’d do the same for me and if--knock on wood and everything else--Yo-yo ends up here, we’ll do the same for her.”

Elena turned off the water and tapped lightly on Jemma shoulder to indicate to her that she should stand.  She placed a hand on Jemma’s cheek.  “We’re family.  This is what we do."

Jemma nodded shakily as Daisy gave her arm a squeeze.

“I was dead serious though about you and Fitz ordering room service and watching a movie or cuddling or really whatever you want as long as we can’t hear you.”

Jemma cocked her head to the side.  “What about Mack?”

Elena laughed.  “It’s fine.  Daisy can sleep on the balcony.”

“ _Sure_.”  Daisy rolled her eyes.  “Go get dressed.”

“You just want me to leave so you can talk about me.”

“Yes, but lovingly.”

With a sigh, Jemma went back into the mainroom.  Daisy looked at Elena.

“I forget, sometimes, how long they’ve both gone without know if they other is alive.  And I’m not sleeping on the balcony.”

“We’ll see.”

“Elen _a_.”

With an exaggerated shrug, Elena smiled at Daisy and backed out of the bathroom.

It was a weird thing to be nervous about, but Jemma was certain there were a good three minutes of her standing in front of room 206 with her hand raised, but unable to knock, and when Mack finally opened the door.  He smiled at her.

“I’m kind of jealous of you two,” he said by way of greeting.  “Ordering in room service instead of several awkward hours of Daisy’s deep denial that all three of you are together because May and Coulson are sharing a room.”

Jemma smiled.  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.  They’re just senior enough agents to have their own rooms.”

“It’s like thinking about my parents!” Fitz called from inside the room.  “Well, not them, I guess.  It’s like thinking about Jemma’s parents.”

Jemma shook her head and slipped past Mack into the room.  “So, _so_ much worse.”

Mack let out a low laugh.  “You guys are such children,” he said and, with a last smile, left to join the others for dinner.

At the click of the door, though, Jemma felt suddenly very small and wrapped her arms around herself.

“Jemma,” Fitz whispered, getting off the bed.  But she shook her head and glanced up at the ceiling to prevent her tears from falling.

“Just...just give me a second, okay?”  She took his silence as agreement.  After a minute, she took a shuddering breath.  “Are we,” she began, her voice breaking.  “What if we never get to be happy?  Like, really and proper not-terrified happy?”  She broke completely then, her whole body shaking as Fitz rushed over and wrapped her in his arms.  

“We will be,” he whispered, rocking her against him.

“You can’t know that.”

“Jemma…” He guided her to the bed and they both sat at the foot.  “Remember how sure I was that we were cursed?  And then we finally broke it and, what, I got kidnapped by an android with a twisted Elektra complex?”

Jemma let out an unexpected giggle in her sobs.  “Elektra complexes are always twisted.”

“Yeah, but whole ‘android creating a virtual world’ thing is kind of over the top.”

She nodded against him and waited for him to continue.  

“I spent so long after that, Jemma, thinking we would never be happy.  But I think...I think maybe I was wrong.  Because if we were cursed, if we were really cursed, I think I’d have drowned.  Or the monolith would have killed you.  Or we’d die in the Framework.  Or any of the countless other times we almost died.  But we didn’t.”  He sighed and let himself fall backwards onto the bed, pulling Jemma with him and running his hand up and down her arm.  “And maybe that means happiness isn’t too far off.”

But Jemma shook her head.

“I want kids,” Jemma said, surprising them both.  She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks and stared determinedly up at the ceiling, even though she could feel Fitz’s eyes on her.  “I want kids and I want to spoil them rotten.  I want us to go on holiday.  I want you and I to have a bunch of kids and take them on holiday to the beach and I want to sit there on the beach and watch you play in the waves with our children and I want to be _happy_.  And I don’t think I can.”

She squeezed her eyes shut as Fitz pulled her against him and kissed her hairline.  For a long while, they lay like in silence, his lips pressed against her as she willed herself not to cry.  She could practically hear Fitz’s brain trying to figure out what to say next.  Finally, he sat up and  pulled Jemma with him.

“Do you trust me?” He asked.

Jemma nodded.  If there was one thing in the world she was sure of, it was that.

Quietly, she let Fitz lead her out of the room, and down the elevator, smiling as they tiptoed past the hotel restaurant where the rest of the team was eating.  Although she knew exactly where he was leading her, she continued to focus solely on the sound of his breathing.  The second her feet hit the sand, however, she stopped.

“I thought the beach closed after dark.”

“Jemma, do you know how much of our lives we’ve spent as fugitives?”  He took another step forward and paused.  “If you tell me you want to go back,” he said firmly, “We will go back.  No questions asked.”

She nodded and tightened her grip on his hand, letting him lead her closer and closer to the water.  Just as the sand grew smooth and firm, he stopped.

“Take off your clothes.”

“ _What?_ ”

“Everyone’s at dinner.  Take off your clothes.”

Jemma shook her head.  “They’ll blow away.”

“I’ll put my shoes on them.”

Jemma took a deep breath before she nodded.  It took several extra minutes, as Jemma refused to let go of Fitz’s hand, but soon they stood naked on the beach, shivering slightly in the cool night breeze.

“Tell me when to stop.”

“Okay.”

Slowly, and never letting go of Jemma’s hands, Fitz began walking into the water and, somehow, by some force, Jemma followed, the coolness of the water sharp against her feet.  For a moment, it was almost pleasant.  She wanted to smile, but couldn’t.

“Stop,” she whispered.  The water was halfway up her shins.  “Look at me.  Let me see you.”

Immediately, Fitz turned and wrapped his arms around her, pressing their foreheads together.

“Do you remember,” Fitz asked softly. “How long it took me to kiss you?  Not at first, we know that.  But after...after AIDA?”

Jemma swallowed and nodded, but said nothing.

“You were so patient, Jemma.  And I know what you’ll say--I promise, I’m not gonna say it in your voice.”

“It’s never _my_ voice,” she managed.

Fitz kissed her nose.  “I know.  But you want to tell me it wasn’t patience and it wasn’t anything special.  It was just you and me and that’s what we do.  So if we have to walk into the ocean one more inch each day so that we can bring our children here and be happy, that won’t be patience.  That won’t be us being special.  That will be us being ambitious assholes who refuse to take no for answer.  And I, personally, cannot wait to show our children what a safe world we’ve made for them.”

Before she could let herself cry, Jemma captured Fitz’s lips with her own and hoped that, with this kiss, he could read her mind as he always had, that he would know just how painfully much she loved him.  She kissed him to forget where they stood, to forget what had happened to them.  To forget all of the pain and misery and suffering.  She kissed him with her entire future and hoped that he understood.


End file.
